Goldfish memory
Forgets the conversation halfway through, then asks you to explain it from the beginning. Again.
Public service announcement
CASE NO. 000-TONS
THIS WEBSITE
is about
TONS.
Not his mom. Just Tons: a forgetful little math nerd who needs every sentence explained twice and still picks the dullest person in the room.
WANTED FOR BEING TONS
probably him
TONSLast seen: talking
over somebody
over somebody
↓ scroll, defendant
BREAKING
LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS PERSONALITY IS “A LOT”
BREAKINGLOCAL MAN DISCOVERS PERSONALITY IS “A LOT”
A note from the prosecution
We don't love Tons.
We tolerate him.
Every friend group has one person who makes you repeat yourself, forgets what you just said, and then confidently does the math wrong. Tons is that person: a human loading screen with the dating taste of unbuttered toast.
— His frenemies, united by one shared headache
Exhibits A–C
The allegations
Loading-screen intelligence
Needs every thought delivered slowly, repeated twice, and accompanied by a visual aid.
Aggressively beige taste
His type in girls has the emotional range of a spreadsheet and somehow less color.
LIVE ROAST GENERATOR
“Tons has the memory of a goldfish and the confidence of a man who thinks that is a personality.”
Final ruling
Guilty of being
extremely Tons.
Sentence: one group chat roast, two minutes of fake silence, and a lifetime of your friends saying “that sounds like something Tons would do.”